Unless our editor wants interviews with a bloke from 'Dirty Sanchez', or a BBC presenter then there's little reason to come here. Oh ... hang on. The Arctic Monkeys wander into the beer tent, a full day before they're headlining.
Today is also a Saturday afternoon, not a Tuesday night. One more thing: today is an all ages show. I must admit, I wasn't going to go. The idea of being at a gig with a bunch of pre-teens didn't appeal much as it'd be far too easy to look like a dirty old man.
Pip wearing different hats to portray different characters in one song, Dan holding up props in another. The music does get away from the gameboy sounds, thankfully, as it quickly becomes clear to me that although Thou Shalt Always Kill is the attention grabber it's not their best track by a long way.
Am I allowed to say 'I was there' if I arrived, saw it was full and then left? Probably not.
"It's also clear that Anton is a little unhinged (there's an odd monologue about security guards in Denmark that leaves us scratching our heads), but don't let that distract you from his music."
"This is Deathline's debut gig apparently, and they do well, pulling in about sixty punters. For me, it's simple with this lot; the fast ones are good, the slow ones are poor. "
"I'm sick of skinny white boys in jackets regurgitating the sounds of the 70s and 80s. Not content with revamping AC-DC and Led Zep, Joy Division and Gang of Four we've gone so far as to mine the back catalogues of Supertramp, 10cc and ELO. "
"What Morton Valence do then is make epic songs of varying length but unvarying style - whatever groove is set at the beginning of the song tends to be the same groove in the middle of the song and at the end of the song with extra instruments adding themselves to the mix occasionally to give a sense of dynamism."
"An older friend once told me that going out in the late 80s when Madchester ruled the waves was a much pleasanter experience than when he was growing up in the late 1970s when football hooliganism, violence and menace hung in the air like smoke at a bonfire. "
"Have you seen the titles of the songs on Morrissey's new album? Jesus, we didn't realise he was adding self-parody to his talents. They look like they've been computer generated by a website designed to poke fun at the Smiths"
"Although we're not sure if even NME readers can really believe that the Arctic Monkeys album is better than Revolver, which came in at 9th place. Also a little bit uncertain that pound for pound it is better than the White Album (again NME readers, what are you thinking?)"
"back next month...."
It really is the equivalent of seeing Elvis, the Beatles or the Stones on a stage about 30 feet away.
It's a funny old game designed to provoke column inches – much as I'm doing now.
That's not to say there weren't the odd thing to catch your eye occasionally – one of George Harrison's guitars costing £70,000, a Sex Pistol's drum kit raising £15,000
on sunny afternoons, I like to drink wine, smoke grass – and fuck!
I'll let Chuck D finish the tale: “London wasn't into soft music. They wanted their music rock hard.”
I blew my entire Incendiary stipend on a skeleton which used to belong to Who bassist, John Entwhistle.