Coldplay - X & Y

It's one of those coffee table albums that everyone will buy, say “that's rather nice” and then only play it in the background at dinner parties because it's not too loud and won't offend anybody

 

 

The Incendiary hotline rings. By hotline I mean the phone, this is the Incendiary shed after all. I pick it up. Richard is on the other end.

 

Richard: Waahhhhhh.

 

Daims: Morning Richard.

 

Richard: Oh God.

 

Daims: You not coming in today then?

 

Richard: I am suffering, dear boy.

 

Daims: Things went well last night then?

 

Richard: I ended up trying to take over the DJ booth after you left. It wasn't a pretty sight. I was insisting that everyone should hear the Fall.

 

Daims: Oh God. We're not barred are we?

 

Richard: No, no, but we may get a few scowling glances next time we're there.

 

Daims: Oh well that's alright then.

 

Richard: I need a cup of tea.

 

Daims: Well the kettle's on here in the shed if you can make it over?

 

Richard: No, I need one now, hang on.

 

I hear the phone being put down on the other end of the line and Richard shuffling off in the background. After a few short moments I hear the faint sound of a distressed Lancashire man, "Tea? Tea? TEA?" The shuffling footsteps then get louder once again.

 

Richard: Where does the tea live Daims?

 

Daims: Beside the kettle on the window sill.

 

Richard: Oh right, thanks. How on Earth did I end up back at your place last night?

 

Daims: I gave you the key.

 

Richard: Did you? Right. Well thanks for the couch.

 

Daims: No probs.

 

Richard shuffles off away from the phone once again. I take this opportunity to pour my own cup of tea. As I'm stirring the sugar in I hear a faint noise from the phone.

 

Richard: Hello? Hello? Daims? HELLO!

 

Daims: Soz Richard, just stirring my tea.

 

Richard: Oh good. I thought I was talking to myself for a minute. I was beginning to think that I had imagined this whole conversation. What's that whining in the background?

 

Daims: The new Coldplay album.

 

Richard: Oh God, what are you listening to that shit for?

 

Daims: Well I don't mind them.

 

Richard: What?

 

Daims: Well I'm not a big fan, but they don't annoy me and they're actually pretty good live. Well, Chris Martin is, the others just stand at the back looking grumpy.

 

Richard: Well I'm just sick of all these shitty bands that sound like Coldplay. Everything sounds like fucking Coldplay.

 

Daims: Well I think Coldplay are allowed to sound like Coldplay seems as they are Coldplay, but I know what you mean. Then again, remember when Parachutes came out and everyone said, "They sound like Radiohead!" They're nothing like Radiohead, or even half as good, but that's the way the meeja likes to play things. It's all bollocks anyway.

 

Richard: So what's it like then? I'll bet it's shit.

 

Daims: Well if you don't like their earlier stuff then you won't like this. It's just more of the same really. In fact, it's just kind of so so. It doesn't seem to do anything new, although they have nicked a bit of Kraftwerk to help with one song.

 

Richard: Kraftwerk? Is it any good.

 

Daims: Hmm. Well it's ok. You'll probably hate it.

 

Richard: I'm sure. That new single's shite though, isn't it.

 

Daims: Speed of Sound? Well it's growing on me a little, but I don't know whether that's because I'm actually starting to like it or I've just become so familiar with it. It's fucking everywhere.

 

Richard: I know. I heard it in Albert Heijn the other day.

 

Daims: Yeah so I might be oversaturated with it a bit. But it doesn't annoy me and make me want to change the radio station, so I'll give them some credit for that.

 

Richard: So how did you get it then? You didn't buy it did you?

 

Daims: No, I just waited till it came out then borrowed it off Mac. He's a big Coldplay fan so I knew he'd get it.

 

Richard: So we didn't get an advance copy then?

 

Daims: No.

 

Richard: Damn, I was going to burn it. On a big pyre.

 

Daims: Like something out of the Wicker Man?

 

Richard: Exactly. Either that or I'd just kick it all the way up the Haarlemmerstraat in Leiden, just to show my contempt and hatred of all things Coldplay.

 

Daims: Well, I don't think Mac would be too pleased if I let you do that to his new cd.

 

Richard: Well maybe I'll buy my own. Just to burn it. That would give me some satisfaction at least.

 

Daims: And line the pockets of EMI a bit more.

 

Richard: Yeah but I'd feel rather proud of myself.

 

Daims: Well it's not that bad. I'd rather you kicked one of those other bands that sound like Coldplay up the street. And did you hear about all the secret advance copies?

 

Richard: No.

 

Daims: Well EMI were so scared of the album appearing on the web before its release so they, at least in the UK, I don't know about over here I never bothered to ask, they had journalists who wanted review copies to arrange a date and time in a  public place then they had to wait whilst a motorcycle courier delivered a brown envelope with the name The Velvet Furs or the Pine Cones or some daft tree name written on it. Rather bizarre don't you think?

 

Richard: Fucking idiots. You didn't do that did you?

 

Daims: Nah, couldn't be arsed. I knew that the world and his dog would go out and buy it so there was no point in us trying to be at the front of the crowd. Besides, it didn't work, the album was online a few days before its release anyway and I don't know what they were bothered about because it's sold a cazillion copies already.

 

Richard: That's depressing.

 

Daims: Well, it didn't matter what they released did it? Let's face it, almost every household will have one by now. If the young lads don't buy it then their sisters might, and if they don't chances are their mothers will probably buy it whilst out getting the groceries in. It's one of those coffee table albums that everyone will buy, say "that's rather nice" and then only play it in the background at dinner parties because it's not too loud and won't offend anybody.

 

Richard: So are you going to review it then?

 

Daims: Nah. What's the point? The whole fucking world's got it anyway.

 

Richard: Fair point. Now go boil the kettle again and I'll stumble my way over. Ok?

 

Daims: Alright then, see you in a bit. And bring some biccies with you when you do. There's some Hobnobs in the big cupboard on the top shelf.

 

Richard: Will do.

 

I put the phone down and then go to the Incendiary stereo and change the CD. I've had enough of Coldplay.

 

 

Words : Damian Leslie