Are you single and sexually frustrated? Yes? Then here’s your plan.
Are you single and sexually frustrated? Yes? Then here’s your plan.
Are you single and sexually frustrated? Yes? Then here’s your plan.
Friday night turns into Saturday morning. 2am. You invite a bunch of friends back to your place to continue the party, stopping off for hardly edible pizzas and badly packed kebabs on the way. Once back at your place let everyone get a beer (note to self: stock fridge well in advance!) while you tell a trusted friend (with good music taste) to pick out some music but mention the really, really good soul cd you’ve already got in the player (note to self. Leave really, really good soul cd in cd player before going out!). Now’s your chance to head for the liquor cabinet/kitchen cupboard and look for something to perk people up a bit. Tequila? Good. Vodka? Yes indeedy. (Flavoured if possible – chilli or something fruity for best results) Rum? Oh you betcha. White or Dark, it don’t matter. Whisky? Nah, people will either want to talk about something important or rip your head off. Gin? What, are you kidding me? After Shock? You’re playing dangerously now, but I like the way you think.
Ok, serve shots to friends and while the really, really good soul cd plays in the background let everybody mingle a bit. You should have already chosen your target by now but stay clear. Play the courteous host. Make sure everyone has a drink and start talking to friends. Occasionally glance across the room at your target, giving them a smile. If you notice they’re out of a drink, go straight over with another shot.
After the second or third shot you should be ready to make your move. Make sure you’re focused. Sneak off to the kitchen if needs be and have a glass of water. You’ll need your wits about you. You’ve showcased your talents as a host. (note to self: Make sure flat is hoovered, polished and relatively clean before going out! Buy a pot plant if necessary.) You’ve weakened the target’s defences with shots of alcohol and have signalled your affection subtly with the occasional smiling glance across the room. You’re almost there. It’s almost time to go and talk to them. You’ve built yourself up for this. You’re going in for the kill. You’re going to try and pull. Everything you’ve done today has been building up towards this moment, (You’re single and sexually frustrated don’t forget) but before you slide on over and put your charm into overdrive – you’ve got one last thing to do. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING! You have to change the music.
Ok, take a deep breath. You can do this. If you put Barry White or Marvin Gaye on everyone in the room will know that you’ve been single for ages and are totally desperate.(Note to self: If totally desperate, hide sleazy R&B CDs in another room and masturbate before leaving the house, just to take the edge off) If you play classic rock everyone will want to get stoned, so NO DYLAN, NO NEIL YOUNG and NO FUCKING EAGLES! Pop music is for the dancefloor so steer clear of that too. You know where you have to go. It’s time for a bit of indie. You want slutty, sexy but intelligent rock music. Lots of hooks, lots of melody and lots and lots of sex appeal.
Pavement? Too geeky. Dinosaur Jr? No thanks. Nirvana? Too blase. Pixies? Excellent, but too in your face possibly. Velvet Underground? Classy, but a bit too familiar. Radiohead? Too geeky again, and stay away from the Ben Folds while you’re at it. Razorlight? Libertines? You may as well get the gin out now and drink yourself into a stupor because if you play either of those your target will think you’re a fucking waster and will end up shagging your best friend in your bed while you end up face down in the Armitage Shanks talking to God and puking up blood. No, ladies and gentleman, if you are young, free and single and are looking for an album that can help you to get laid, you need look no further than The Sugarettes and their debut album, Love and Other Perversities.
Sleazier than an Amsterdam peep show, Love and Other Perversities is, quite simply, the sexiest album I’ve heard all year. It’s pop rock bliss. It’s quick, it’s hurried and it feels like it’s about to explode at any moment. It rocks like an AC/DC front row and it’s as seductive as Blondie were in their heyday. It’s an album that can leave you breathless, shattered and utterly exhilarated. It’s the best sex you’ve ever had condensed into 13 songs and 37 minutes. I fucking love it.
Words: Damian Leslie
Click here to visit the Sugarettes Myspace page