“Have you seen the titles of the songs on Morrissey’s new album? Jesus, we didn’t realise he was adding self-parody to his talents. They look like they’ve been computer generated by a website designed to poke fun at the Smiths”
“Have you seen the titles of the songs on Morrissey’s new album? Jesus, we didn’t realise he was adding self-parody to his talents. They look like they’ve been computer generated by a website designed to poke fun at the Smiths“
Letter from London. The Brits? Don’t mention the Brits…. Well, it’s been and gone and we hardly even felt a thing. The Brits, of course. Obviously it is an event Incendiary could never get to, and we’re not really sure whether we feel left out or not. (We don’t – ed) There is a quote from Breakfast at Tiffany which we would quote, if only we could remember it. Something about being one of those people who no matter what we did, we would only ever have our faces pressed against the window looking in on the beautiful people as they have a good time.We imagine the Brits to be a tableau of City boys in striped shirts on bonus night, vomiting quails eggs whilst sipped wine worth hundreds a slurp and lighting cigars with £50 notes. An exercise in money making stripped right back to the bone – just so happens that they are making money from music, but it could just have as easy been something else. So, witness our surprise when we found out that an old friend of Incendiary’s Mike Polaroid had actually been to the Brits and survived. Naturally we were intrigued and couldn’t wait to call him on the blower and get to the bottom of this whole Brits malarkey… IN: How was it on the night – seeing the music industry up close and in full effect? Was it as corporate as Incendiary imagines (and that is pretty damn corporate)? MP: It’s on a big scale and pretty corporate, but everyone was still excited at being there. The thing that always surprises me at music industry events is just how conservative the industry people are – lots of old public schoolboy types. No wonder they love James Blunt! I can’t imagine there was much debating of the merits of British Sea Power vs. Animal Collective going on any table. It really is an ultra, ultra mainstream event. Music as a commodity.IN: We heard that Goldman Sachs had more guests than MTV. MP: I heard that as well. Sony had 17 tables!IN: Solid but predictable seems to be the consensus view of the Brits this year – is that fair? MP: Maybe it is fair, but I thought the awards themselves were really odd and there were some dreadful choices. Must be a lot of record company politics behind the scenes. Even the ones supposedly voted for by the public seemed all over the shop. Best Pop Act – James Blunt! Kerrang Readers Best Rock Act – Kaiser Chiefs! IN: Did you see Kanye’s gold women? Surely they livened up the occasion? MP: I was worried they might asphyxiate like the woman in Goldfinger. KT Tunstall had a load of scantily clad girls as well – as some bloke on my table put it – it was like watching a mum at the school gates!IN: Heard you arrived at the same time as Paris Hilton – how was that? MP: Well at first we thought the screams were for us obviously (laughs)! She looked tall, blonde and vacant. And quite a lot like Chantelle from Big Brother. IN: We saw a good long Prince set on the TV highlights. Why was Prince at the Brits? MP: I’d never seen Prince in the flesh before and he was immense in charisma, if physically tiny. I had the hairs on the back of my neck standing up during Purple Rain. No idea why he was at the Brits. They seemed to use American stars like him and Madonna to up the glamour quotient which does seem to defeat the point of the Brits a bit. IN: It was an overblown Coldplay performance by the looks of things. What precise words went through your head when Chris Martin dropped to his knees? MP: My actual words at the time were “Oh, to have A Kalashnikov!” I have to say that I am not really Chris Martin’s target market – I am not Bridget Jones! IN: How was Chris Evans’ banter? MP: Competent enough I guess. Why has he made a comeback? He must still be loaded and could do anything. Is he really that drawn to be a light entertainment host? Can he not think of anything better to do with himself? IN: Did you notice that the Arctic Monkeys didn’t actually collect their award? Be honest now, Mr Polaroid. MP: ‘Course I did. I’d been sneakily hoping they’d do a live set. I enjoyed them not being arsed enough to go to it and playing their gig in Portsmouth or wherever. Felt like the most rock’n’roll part of the night. Made the Kaiser Chiefs look like the eager to please puppets on strings they are. IN: Did you agree with most of decisions regarding winners? MP: Nope. Literally not one!IN: Popbitch reported that the biggest queue for toilets was when James Blunt came on stage? Was that true? How was he for you? MP: F*cking bollocks! The weirdest thing was that he speaks like he sings, in that clenched up nasally voice. I had my life flashing before my eyes, thinking why am I here? IN: What about Paul Weller’s haircut? MP: Feathery tongs, to quote Syd Barrett. He was sharp on the night but it has to be said that he is ageing strangely and looking a bit leathery these days. IN: Any other observations or anything else at all to report to the Incendiary massive that would demystify the Brits even further? MP: Gorillaz were fantastic. Breathtaking visuals. Shows what you can do nowadays and just how conservative a lot of bands are in terms of putting a whole package together. Incendiary is surprised. Mike Polaroid is known for a (bordering on all consuming) dislike of anything to do with Damon Albarn. Believe us we have heard him rant on about Damon for hours – was this a glasnost? MP: No – not a thaw at all! He wasn’t there at the Brits so I could appreciatethe efforts of the other members of the collective more. Sounds like a sea change to us but Mike won’t be drawn… IN: We should wrap up by asking you about the Polaroids – will music change now you have babies just like David Bowie when he recorded Hunky Dory? (Three members of the Polaroids have just become, or are just about to become, parents for the first time.) MP: Yeah, it’s going to get wilder. Domesticity is the enemy of art so we need to fight those battles! It’s funny the trip just all seems to be going deeper and weirder so the rock songs are getting noisier and the mellow songs more melodic and acoustic. Our new Plastic Surgery EP is nearly finished and we’ve written most of the follow up as well. I think people are going to love Plastic Surgery – its punky and catchy at the same time. It’s been mixed by Sunny Lazic who was given the guitars some real bite. The music for one of the other songs on there, Starlight Cinema was written by Richard when he was 12. The words came more recently though after a trip to the underbelly of Texas. IN: The underbelly of Texas? What’s the story there? MP: We went for an evening meal in a restaurant out in the desert, near a ghost town called Terlingua. The restaurant was in a converted cinema which had been called the Starlight Theater. There were all the odd sorts of hobo types you’d expect to be living near a ghost town in the desert, including a classic moment where a guy in a cowboy outfit including full spurs came clattering in though the door and stomped across the bar, silencing all conversation.I think it had been an open air cinema but I might be imagining that – it was a classic pitch black desert sky – we got out the car and turned the lights off just to freak ourselves out. The song reminds me of early REM – a bit ghostly/mumbled/tangential/mysterious in feel – it’s more an evocation of a vibe rather than a literal description of events. It’s nearly done but we need to add a couple of overdubs, including some wooden musical frog scraping! Anyway, we’re going to be whacking up the new single exclusively onto MySpace in a couple of weeks’ time for limited period. We are still obsessed with MySpace – just like you guys at Incendiary! Come and “add” us… http://www.myspace.com/thepolaroidsband It only seems fair that we should let a Brits survivor finish with such a blatant plug. Not that we condone that sort of thing here at Incendiary. By the way, did we tell you that we also have a new MySpace page? No, well you should go and have a look post-haste: http://www.myspace.com/incendiarymag —————————————————————————– You know our penchant for those quirky little things happening around the world of entertainment? Well just lately they have been thin on the ground – by contrast this month has a veritable plethora. Here goes… Willie Nelson has decided that the post Brokeback Mountain world needs a song about “friendly” cowboys, reported to include the tremendous lyric: “The cowboy may brag about things that he’s done with his woman. But the ones who brag loudest are the ones who are most likely queer.” Cowboys are Frequently, Secretly (Fond of Each Other) was released on Valentine’s Day. Nelson said: “The song’s been in the closet for 20 years. The timing’s right for it to come out. I’m just opening the door.” Phew…** Glam rock band KISS is adding one more ingredient to sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll: coffee. The first branch of a themed KISS Coffeehouse is due to open in Myrtle Beach South Carolina (otherwise known as the Redneck Riveria, apparently). Staff are said to be wearing skintight jumpsuits and will wearing the band’s trademark face paint…as well as relying on tips to make a living…could their lives be any finer? And what odds would you have given me on two KISS stories in just one Letter from London? Gene Simmons (for reasons probably known only to himself) has been hosting Rock School on TV here in the UK. The premise is simple – bring together a number of teenagers from a school in Suffolk (probably the least rock’n’roll area in the whole of Europe), under the guidance of a slightly bemused looking Gene. To be fair, Gene did take his sunglasses off when he went round to meet one of the boy’s fathers. Cue absolutely rubbish live shows at proper indie venues around the UK, out of time, out of tune, out of charisma – the whole works. The show has too many humorous moments to recount but our favourite was a spotty 14 year old bitching about one of America‘s biggest rock stars with the immortal phrase, “What does he know? He was in a glam rock band…and he wore make-up.” ** Have you seen the titles of the songs on Morrissey’s new album? Jesus, we didn’t realise he was adding self-parody to his talents. They look like they’ve been computer generated by a website designed to poke fun at the Smiths. You know that website that gives you your Lord of the Rings name? Reminds us of the time many moons ago when Melody Maker ran a competition asking readers to name the best Cocteau Twins songs never written. The winner…the glorious Crispy Fiver Blue. ** What else can I tell you…after starring in Celebrity Big Brother with Maggot, Rula Lenska joined GLC on stage for what must have been an especially rousing version of “Your Mother’s got a Penis.” ** But the best story for us this month is that Guns ‘n’ Roses is finally going to release Chinese Democracy. Supposedly hitting the stores later this year, the album has already cost tens of millions, easily making it the most expensive album ever made. It was only due in 1999 – apparently back then the record just needed a lead vocal and a mix and it was ready to go. We thought the Chinese were actually going to get democracy before they got to hear this album… Words: John Cottrill.